Wednesday, October 19, 2011

dear diary :: baby-making

Dear Diary,

Baby-making. Such a sensitive topic. And obviously becomes much more sensitive if it applies directly to you. I realize for many women pregnancy just kind of happens... maybe you were trying, maybe you weren't. I realize there are some women that absolutely were not trying... and oops... pregnancy happened. Then I also realize that for many, many women there are years and years of trying... and tests... and miscarriages... and waiting...

Lance and I have been trying to get pregnant for well over a year now... which I know, in the grand scheme of things, isn't really that long. But it's funny how once you're "trying" each month seems to drag out a little bit longer than the last one. It's funny how once you start "trying" all of a sudden some kind of baby factory mysteriously opens up around the corner, releasing massive amounts of pregnant women and newborns... everywhere. It's funny how once you are "trying" people seem to ask, almost instinctively, "So, when are you guys going to start a family??" Maybe all of these things were true beforehand, but all of a sudden you're so much more aware... now that you are "trying?" Maybe.

Let's talk about that word, "trying" for a moment... It's a scary word. At least in the sense of baby-making. It took several months before I even dared utter the word... even though Lance and I were... well, trying. If anyone asked, my answer usually went something more like, "Well... you know... we're not preventing... so, eh, we'll see." ...said in my most casual, nonchalant tone. By using this answer, I could protect my pride. Because, I mean, if we're not really trying... and something happens, then "yay, us, we're pregnant..." But you see... the word "trying" well.... it's vulnerable. "Trying" implies that something should be happening... and when it doesn't, the term "trying" feels like some kind of admission of failure.

I have also recently realized how much pride I had in not trying. Lance and I have been married for 7+ years and we do not have children. I took great pride in this. To me, this was proof of a happy marriage... we don't need children to complete us... we are content with just the 2 of us... we can travel... we can sleep in on the weekends... etc, etc. It wasn't that I pitied my friends with children or thought that they had unhappy marriages... please don't misunderstand me... It was almost as if I needed an explanation as to why we were waiting so long...

Someone told me once that women become mothers the moment they start trying. It's not just after you hold your newborn baby in your arms... or even after you get pregnant... it's that very moment when you and your spouse decide that your family will be more complete with the addition of children. From that point on, your entire perspective changes. You see things differently. Your desires change.

Lance and I are confident that we will be parents one day. But it will be in the Lord's timing and in His plan. And I trust that. Some days it's easier than others.

Love,

Julia

............................................
I have had this post sitting as "scheduled" for quite some time now... not entirely certain if I was ready (or wanting) to actually post it. But that is the point of the "dear diary" series... to be honest... to be vulnerable... I was deeply encouraged by this honest post and this super transparent post. Sometimes it takes writing the hard stuff to start moving forward again...

Linking this to Capturing Motherhood.

26 comments:

Melissa said...

I love this! I'm not even close to "trying," yet since I just got engaged less than a month ago. But being 31, I think this relates to anyone or any situation in which one person isn't moving along at the normal speed of society.

I know that you are right...God will provide you with the most precious child in his timing. And you will be excellent parents!

Thanks for sharing!

Flossie said...

We had a really immediate "not trying" pregnancy, then lost the baby 14 weeks later. It seemed so unfair that such a joyous pseudo-surprise would be taken away. Two years later, we finally got our baby. During that two years, EVERYONE. I. KNEW. was getting pregnant.

While I couldn't see it back then, we really needed that time to grow, mature, strengthen our marriage (the miscarriage TOTALLY did), and...well...become better parents. The day I told my husband I was pregnant, I gave him a card that said, "God's timing is ALWAYS perfect." It is. It always is.

It seems like empty encouragement, but try to relax and just enjoy the whole experience.

Liz said...

You are so right that just trying makes you vulnerable. My situation is a little different, but after Mackenzie I was so upset that good people didn't have the children they wanted, but awful people had children that didn't seemed loved enough. I had a really hard time dealing with it all.

I now truly believe that God does give you your children at the right time in your life. We found out about Madelyn on Mackenzie's 6 month birthday. I believe it truly was a gift. And there do seem to be a lot of pregnant ladies out there when you're longing for one in your heart.

I love this series by the way! I've always heard it seems to happen when you stop trying for it. Good luck and hang in there!

Demetrius and Amy said...

i love you. and i'm praying hard that God would meet you in the wait... and answer your desire.

Ashley said...

You should check out redbook's campaign right now! - The truth about trying! I bloggged about it yesterday!

Praying for you!

Jaimie said...

Dear, dear Julia!! We're not at the point of being ready for kids yet. But I know that will happen, not too far in the future. I can't quite relate with you on that point yet, but I have experienced how God's timing is always perfect. How his plans for us are so much better than our plans for ourselves. And yes, definitely, how it's easier to trust that some days than it is others.

Know that I am thinking of and praying for you. Hugs!! <3

Danielle said...

Everyone always says to relax and not think about it. How is that possible when it's the only thing you can think of and it's something you want so badly?! Like some of you other comments have said, He has a plan and maybe he's just getting you ready for your journey. Hang in there, it's well worth the wait!

Melanie said...

Even though I'm not married, don't have kids, and am not trying, I definitely understand the comments. Why aren't you married? You don't have kids? Well how old are you? It seems like some people speak or ask before thinking. many prayers, well wishes, and good lucks coming your way, dear!

Shane, LaJuan, Jocelyn and Gabrielle said...

Your vulnerability encourages me so much. I know this journey well and I know the pain, questions, struggles, fears that come along with it. God is after so much more than just to meet your desire for children...He wants you to be able to meet Him, know Him, trust Him in ways like you never have before. I can already see how He is doing this in your heart. It is beautiful to see. Thanks for sharing so openly. You never know how your honestly will greatly encourage others that may be on this same journey and feel so very alone. We and the girls pray daily for God to put a "wittle bity baby in Aunt Juuuah's tummy"...we do pray He will grant ya'll this desire. I love you!

Shari said...

This was so brave of you to share. I know everything will work out as it is supposed to. My best friend and her husband who have been married for over 4 years, were "trying" for 2 years and finally she is pregnant with a baby girl. It will all happen as it should. I truly believe that, and I know you will make a great mom.

The Rigolosos said...

I love you for so many reasons. Your ability to own the hard and talk about it in a public forum is simply one of the many.

I love Amy's prayer for you. I'm going to pray it along side her for you... and for me.

I love you, JLB.

MellieButterfly said...

dear virtual bestie~you have a beautiful spirit. i will pray for you and lance and the babymaking. take heart.

"Expect the Lord, do manfully, and let thy heart take courage, and wait thou for the Lord." Psalm 27:14
(some wacky version but i liked it's words best.)

Melissa said...

This post definitely hits close to home and even though we finally got pregnant this year it was a long and hard journey to get where we are today. I pray for you and Lance and I know that one day very soon, you'll be pregnant with your little miracle and Bailey's future cousin and BFF! I love you!!!

The Spiveys said...

Thank you for your vulnerability...it is alway beautiful to see into someone's heart. I will be praying... Praying that the Lord would grant you the desire of your heart. I'm reminded of Hannah from the Word...the Lord loved her deeply. Praying that you feel His love for you- and that He gives you the desire of your heart like he did for her.

The BLESSED Braswell's at "The Branch" said...

You definately "hit the nail on the head" I was thinking about this same thing today, as my FB post this morning was a quote from online, "Faith in God Includes Faith In His Timing" - I so needed this today as well. My husband and I have been trying for a little while as well, it's emotions & feelings that only others that are in the same situation understand. Thanks for being so brave and posting this encouragement for others!

Amy said...

Great post! I am like you in the sense of needing a reason for why we're waiting to start a family. I never want to say we're trying either but maybe one day when I'm more confident I might utter those words. Thank you for being so open with this post...it was a much needed read today!!!

hill said...

thank you for your honesty, your boldness and your vulnerability. God will definitely bless you in that. we are all blessed by you sharing your story. and thank you for linking up. xoxo.

Wendy said...

What a beautiful post! I appreciate your transparency and honesty. What a beautiful reminder of trusting God and his timing ~ even if it is not our own.

Kelly said...

wow. totally well said and well written and explained. I totally feel you. I was "trying" about three years ago, after a MC and it becomes consuming. I had a very real realization one day it was almost like God said "if you got pregnant do you understand it has very little to do with you and Brandon (my husband)" it then hit me. We can do the "leg work" but it's GOD who breathes that life - its very Big compared to us. I had to get that in my brain and let that peace take over because it has a lot to do with God and very little to do with us....the next month I got pregnant. I pray big prayers for you this morning....I loved this post.

mleslie43 said...

Of course, you know your Dad's and my story and how much God had a hand in creating the two most beautiful girls in the world. I can't imagine it any other way. God always has the best plan for us and our children, it is just learning how to wait for it(the hardest part). I am so thankful for you girls and the women you have become! Love you so much!

MommyMae said...

In tears reading this and I don't even know you! But, I've been there and I know all these feelings all too well. Know that God is holding onto you tight and picking out the most perfect moment for you to have a baby. You'll look back and say, "Yep. That makes sense! Now I know why He waited so long!" I pray for God to be a part of every detail, for God to bless your sweet heart, and for God to comfort you in the difficult days. :) You will be a great mommy.

Salena said...

Hang in there, Julia. God has a plan for you guys, and it will be so worth the wait...I promise! Our journey to becoming parents started in the spring of 2007. After 2 heartbreaking unexplained miscarriages in 2008, our sweet Chandler was born in February of 2010. This past July I miscarried again, but I know that God has a magnificent plan for us, too.

You are brave for posting this, but I think it's wonderful, because now we know exactly how to pray for you!

Garretts said...

i agree with LaJuan, you are very brave and you have no idea how your post may encourage someone else...not to mention you! thanks for being so revealing with us. i feel so much more connected to you and your struggles after reading your dear diary posts. i pray that you will continue to see God on this journey and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Jennifer Dawn McLucas said...

I love the way you're announcing your vulnerability here- you are so brave!

Just so you know, it took my husband and I well over a year of "trying" to conceive my 1st born. I remember one time in particular locking myself in the bathroom at work and just bawling because I had been certain that I must have been pregnant only to have my period start. It's amazing how much you can grow to despise your period- that sick, heart sinking feeling.

I pray God grants you the child you seek as soon as possible while still keeping you ever in His safe, perfect plan. Blessings my friend. :)

Lauren said...

Thank you for sharing your heart... you are so brave, Julia! The beauty of being so transparent is that now you've got that many more prayers sent up to Heaven for you.
You will be a wonderful mama.
Love, Lauren

Amy Harris said...

Hi Julia! Lindsey Brackett told me to read this post on your blog. Just know that you and Lance are not alone. Jonathan and I have been trying to conceive for 2 and 1/2 years now. At first I really git frustrated and upset. I actually thought it would be so easy. Everyone around me was getting pregnant. Every month I would get my hopes up and every month I would be terribly disappointed. There were tears and anger. We both had tests done and more tests done. We tried a couple of procedures, but nothing was working. We let our infertility consume us. I finally decided enough is enough. We took some time off from doctors, tests and procedures. At this point we are simply waiting on God. Through all of this, God has taught me and continues teach me that His timing is perfect and it does not always line up with my timetable. Just know that we are right there on the front lines with you and Lance. We are praying for you all.