Wednesday, August 17, 2011

dear diary :: recovering perfectionist

Dear Diary,

I want to be liked. No, like really liked. I mean, I want people to walk away thinking, "Man, that girl is so fun to hang out with..." or "I totally dig her... she's awesome..." I think I have a problem. Maybe it's a bad case of need-to-be-liked... or a stent of desperately-want-your-approval... or maybe they just call it egotistical?

...I prefer recovering perfectionist.

I mean, I think it's okay to want to be liked... but I have been asking myself lately how much value I place in other people's opinions of me. And if I'm honest, it's way too much. I am thirty years old. THIRTY FLIPPIN' YEARS OLD... I kind of feel like I should be secure in who I am as a woman by now. But so, so often I start second guessing myself.

Take this post for instance... I have been thinking about starting a "Dear Diary" segment for months now, but it seemed too honest... too transparent... too raw. I started writing this post, then started a totally different one about a healthy snack idea. Because a healthy snack idea is safe. If I post about apples and peanut butter, you finish reading, and if all goes as planned, you think I'm clever and maybe even healthy. But really, at the end of the day, you know nothing about me.

But what happens if I write this post? What happens if I lay it all out there? What happens if I am a little more transparent?

I thought it was ironic how the title of my blog is Black Tag DIARIES. A diary is a safe place... a place for you to scribble your most honest feelings and emotions... a place to write with reckless abandon with no fear of what someone else might think. It's funny how all of a sudden... now that I know some of you are actually reading... my tone changes completely. Those honest emotions turn into guarded thoughts that I hope you'll approve of.

I desire to be confident in the woman God created me to be. I desire for this blog to be used as more than a witty little blip about junk food and craft ideas. I want to share my heart, and even (gasp) my struggles, in hopes that someone reading might be able to relate just a little bit. And if 100 people don't like it... or even don't like me... that's okay. Because I'm a recovering perfectionist.




Stacie Jean said...

Beautiful post....perfectly okay and I heart you. xx

Karen said...

I loved this! I want so bad to write what is on my heart, things my own family doesn't even hear me talk about but then I always delete it... maybe soon it will come out! Thanks for the encouragement.

Danielle said...

I struggle with perfectionism every day. I wish I could say I was recovering but that would assume that I had made strides towards dealing with it. I think about it all the time but truth be told, I'm not sure how to change. It's easy to say things like "take one step at a time" or "you don't have to be Wonder Woman" but how to you REALLY accomplish those things. If you find out, let me know (:

I love your honesty and I've set out to write similar posts from time to time too but never ended up hitting 'post'. I'm glad you did. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Courtney said...

i promise you every time i walk away from you, i think..."man, she is so fun to hang out with...and man, i totally dig her...and she's awesome." promise. anyone who doesn't think that could never be a street friend...and if someone can't be a street friend, you probably shouldn't be friends with them anyway.

Kathryn said...

I am exactly like this! Did you write this post for me? because I feel the same way, and I have a draft post written about it that I haven't published. too funny.

Jaimie said...

I love this. I totally understand, and I really needed to read it. Thank you SO much!

Jackie said...

Thanks for sharing. I found you from Hillary's blog. I've also wrestled with worrying way too much about what others think. And also thought at 30 I should be over it. I'm now in my last year of my thirties and I should say it does get better.. it does. You really do start feeling like a grown up! I remember in my twenties, women in their thirties telling me it's your thirties when you really start to feel settled. Hang in there, you're doing a great job right where you are.

Lindsey Brackett said...

Do you know how many posts I've almost written like this? I really want to write about about how much I hate feeling like I don't fit anywhere, but I get afraid of what people will think. Thanks for sharing your heart (and your junk food).

Garretts said...

julia...what are you worried about? we are your "followers" afterall! tee hee hee!

seriously though, what a perfectly revealing post. feeling honored that you trust us, your readers (and friends), to accept each and every bit of you.

i hope you felt good after posting it, rather than exposed. i enjoy getting to know every part of you. and since i never actually get around to doing any of the cool crafting, i'll enjoy reading some of these struggles. maybe you'll even find some comfort from your "followers" and from the fact that most of them will more than likely stick around (assuming you'll still keep blogging about junk food on a regular basis...we all have the weakness!)

hill said...

thank you for linking up. what a lovely post. truly, truly. i love your willingness to be so honest and open.

MellieButterfly said...

don't let the enemy fool you girl. you are not alone. we are all wanting to be special, thought of as awesome and stylish and different. it's an insecurity inside of most every woman i know. whether they are 30 or 80. (trust me, i work with the elderly.) risk is good. exposing yourself helps us to conquer the enemy of truth.

ok, done with my soapbox now. i'm gonna go find something to blog about so people will think I'm awesome... ;)

insomnia said...

I think that's what we strive for, to be less transparent and recognized for more than snacks.
I like this blogging stuff cause it gets it all out and to put it out there in a media basis makes any struggle real instead of internal.

sarahbethcody said...

I have always, always admired you as a person AND as a blogger--loved this! Sending love your way from Georgia :)

Laura said...

You've got me listening. I'm the same way -- CONSTANTLY wanting that affirmation, wanting people to like me and all the things I do. :) I think it's important to make these needs known -- the more real we are, the better our friends know what to do to help us feel special!

I'm coming over from Capturing Motherhood -- I'll be looking around now.... ;)