Wednesday, March 28, 2012

dear diary :: more thoughts on baby-making & waiting

Dear Diary,

It's been almost six months since my last "dear diary" entry on baby-making... and if I'm really honest, I've been delaying this post for a while now. Part of me thought that maybe if I waited long enough to write a follow-up post that I'd eventually have different news to share.

But I don't.

The past few months have included a smattering of doctors appointments... blood work... fertility tests... pee sticks... and more doctor appointments. I've been in my fair share of waiting rooms lately. And every time I'm in the waiting room, I think of the irony of that word... "waiting," and it's meaning in my life lately.

I typically make sure I have a book or a magazine when I'm chilling in the waiting room... anything I can pretend to read while I wait... And it's behind the safety of my book, I secretly glance around at the other dozen women sitting in the waiting room... the majority of them very, very pregnant. Some of them reading the latest Pregnancy magazine... others marking their calendars with their next ultrasound appointment.

It was sometime around this point that I felt alone. Like perhaps I was the only one in that waiting room... or maybe I'm the only one waiting at all??

Okay, okay... I know that's not true... and perhaps a tad overdramatic. I know there are other women on this journey... lots of other women on this journey. Some much, much further along in this process. And many of them with very painful, heartbreaking stories.

But the truth is, sometimes the waiting gets lonely.

We have another doctor's appointment mid-April... and I'll sit in that waiting room once more... probably pretending to read the same book that I pretended to read last month.

And I will wait.

And I will hope.

Because there is hope in the waiting... And while, yes, I sincerely hope to be a mother one day... that is not where my true Hope is. My identity is not found in motherhood... it is found in Christ... something I daily struggle to remember, but am so grateful that He is gentle to remind me.

Love,

Julia

14 comments:

Stacie Jean said...

I love you, thank you for continuing to open up and share, it's so brave and can be so hard to share our difficulties and I think you have said it so eloquently at the end. Our own wants or lack thereof do not ultimately define the person we are. xoxo

Kelly said...

great honest post friend. Bless you sister...

Danielle said...

Such honesty in this post. I know it's not easy to bear your sole to everyone but I can appreciate your need to get it out. I'm praying for you, for whatever God had planned for you. Hang in there and keep the faith!

Lani @ Its My Life said...

I guess I have my own sense of waiting, the husband who doesn't and may never think "its the right time" So this year I hit 30 and he just turned 40 and I'm scared that by the time "its right" it'll be too late. I understand the looking and longing. I work in a pediatric office all day and see them, small and then bigger. I have to find my comfort in knowing that God has a plan for me and its a perfect plan even if it isn't the plan I have. I'm be saying prayers for you sweets.

Angie said...

What an honest post. Thank you for sharing. Prayers are with you as your on this journey :)

hill said...

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful blog post. thank you, once again for sharing your heart in such an open and vulnerable way. and thank you for linking up. xoxo.

Caroline said...

I know exactly how you feel. And can totally relate to this post.

Molly said...

Such a beautiful post. You are not alone my friend. I don't know if you've ever read Kelly's Korner Blog before, but she struggled with this for years. Each week she does a Show Us Your Life post where she picks a topic and people link up their blogs to blog/connect on the same topic. She did one a few weeks ago for people who are struggling with this and there are 83 blogs linked up of couples struggling with fertility: http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/2012/03/show-us-your-life-suffering-with.html

- Molly

Lindsey Brackett said...

Sending love and prayers to you, my friend.

mleslie43 said...

Prayers go out to you and Lance...thanks for being so honest. Love you so much...

Teagan said...

what a beautiful way you have of finding God in things. prayers for peace & that God will send lives all around you for you to care for.

Salena said...

Hang in there, Julia! While my story is somewhat different from yours, I can definitely relate. God does have a plan for you!

Shane, LaJuan, Jocelyn and Gabrielle said...

Love you. Praying for you as you wait....praying with HOPE.

Demetrius and Amy said...

Praying with you... For your heart in the wait and for God to answer our requests for a baby. I love you.